Thursday, January 20, 2005

Once and for all, i shall stop talking about her and "us" here. My blog has been getting pretty emo lately. Time to change all that. Whatever gonna happen between me and her, only me shall know and no one else. Let this be a lesson learnt to all the people who is planning or wanna fall in love. Be patient, sincere and determine if you wanna be with that someone special. Don't ever give up 'bcos what you reaped is what you sow. Adios!

Mister Turtle urge you to join the mutant war!!!
4:08 PM

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

I am extremely confused right now.

She's starting to give me the cold shoulder again. I somehow feel that i'm being made a mockery of. Whenever she needs someone to be there for her, she would be nice to me, whenever she don't, she would just shove me aside. I feel, correction, i know that she likes him alot. That she really misses him, that she really wanna be with him. But 'bcos he didn't show that he do wanna be with her (eventhough he loves to), i guess she have no choice but to turn to me. I hate it. I mean, if you really wanna be with him, then go ahead. Make the first move, it doesn't really matter right? I'm not gonna cry my heart out that you gonna leave me. Though i will be sad, but i'm gonna wish you all the best. It's only my wish to see you happy. What's the use of you hanging on to me when you know that every effort i've made all this while doesn't mean a thing to you. Go on, i can still be your friend. It's not that i'm gonna leave the country or go somewhere real far. Just don't give me hope when you don't mean it. It really hurt alot. I don't wanna whine alot. I'm 22. I'm not supposed to mourn over something like this. This happen only during the teenage years. But somehow, i feel like i'm being suck into a blackhole. It's just impossible to get out of it.

You would always scold me whenever i lie. Even if it's a white lie. But now, it's clear that you are lying to me. "I just wanted you to tell me the truth, You know I'd do that for you". Hana, if only you would know how agonizing it is to not think about this even for a day, maybe you would understand the pain i'm going through. I pity my cousin. He's always there for me when i feel shit. I know it's not nice to burden other people with your problems but somehow i just feel i need to let go of things. To have a listening ear. Alot of people have told me to forget about her. She just ain't worth all the worries and troubles. But i love her too much. They just don't understand or maybe they just wanna convinced me of the harsh truth. I wanna fight till the end. But i just feel that i'm fighting a losing battle. She just won't open up her feelings to me. What she thinks of me and "us". And now i seriously don't know what to do. But one thing i've decided is to lay down low for the time being. Not gonna call or meet her. I just hope that she won't get the idea that i'm giving up or whatsoever. I really wanna be with her but i guess i just need the time to compose myself. To put sense into myself. To do some soul-searching. I hope i would be fine. But somehow i know i won't. Damn.


Greenday - Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

I really love this song. The lyrics are so meaningful to me. It does mean something in my life right now.

PS. "Pulling myself back with every words that you said. Could it be all lies?"

Mister Turtle urge you to join the mutant war!!!
1:14 AM

Saturday, January 15, 2005

I ain't gonna give up just as yet. It ain't over till the fat lady is singing. It ain't over till she says it's over. I'm gonna endure and will show her my resistance that i'm here to stay. To convinced her that i am serious about her eventhough i don't know what the final outcome will be. I'm gonna talk less and act more. I'm much more determined to win over her heart then ever. Wish me luck!!

PS. Was fined by TP again. Damn possible fine of $270 and 12 demerit points. Simply hate those guys in white.

Mister Turtle urge you to join the mutant war!!!
1:22 AM

Thursday, January 13, 2005

"I won't wanna be with someone who won't go after me."

Damn, how could i ever overlook that vital clue. That final piece to the jigsaw puzzle. So now i know. My existance here is merely to provide her with warmth, comfort and company whenever she needs me. She's in love with somebody else. I'm so dumb. Now why didn't i see that coming. How could i be manipulated by her. Why oh why. Now i get it. Been weeks since i gather the pieces in order to know just what she thinks of me. Now i know the truth. I am hurt. And disappointed. Not to forget, astonished at the truth. I am so dumb. What am i supposed to do now?

Mister Turtle urge you to join the mutant war!!!
11:43 PM

I am so tired. And so confused right now. Nothing i do now can ever seemed right. Is she meant to be mine? Or someone else? Does she wanna be with me? Or isit she just can't choose between the two? I don't know what i've done to deserve all this. It's like i'm stuck in this predicament forever. I just can't seemed to set my mind free. It's always about this or about that. Sometime i just wanna let things go and fall into a long long sleep. To go somewhere where i won't have to think about certain things. Where my mind would be at ease for as long as i want things to be. Can i have that chance?

I need enlightenment. God, forgive me for all the sins i've made this 22 years. Especially the ones for the last couple of months. I wanna repent. Wanna be on the straight path again. Please guide me through as i am still and will forever be Your weak being. I wanna do good once again. Forgive me. Amin.

Hoobastank - Disappear

There's a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment that you leave
Though I try to look away
The pain it still remains
Only leaving when you're next to me

Do you know that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away?
So can you come and make them disappear?
Make them disappear and we can stay

So I stand and look around
Distracted by the sounds
Of everyone and everything I see
And I search through every face
Without a single trace
Of the person
The person that I need

Do you know that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away?
So can you come and make them disappear?
Make them disappear and we can stay

Can you make them disappear?
Make them disappear

There's a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment that you leave
Gonna search through every face
Without a single trace
Of the person
The person that I need

Do you know that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away?
So can you come and make them disappear?
Make them disappear and we can stay

Mister Turtle urge you to join the mutant war!!!
1:25 AM

Thursday, January 06, 2005

I feel sick. Not in the way i'm down with a disease but just hate the feeling in me now. Was woken up by Faisal just now. Had a long talk about the D&D yesterday night. Found out that she actually deleted some of her contacts in her hp in order to store his number. OMG. I don't quite know what to say. Frankly speaking, i'm really confused about our status now. Isit just normal friendship? Dating? A "couple but not a couple"? I think even Faisal sound confused.

Just talked to her on the phone. She denied giving her number to him. Now i am the one who's confused. Which one of the two is saying the truth? Well, you know what? I don't care no more. All this D&D do is just to give me headaches. Shall stop talking about it.

The more i'm falling for her, the more i see that my feelings will not be reciprocated. Sometimes you might not know something is going to happen but you just have a feeling it will happen? Something like that. I forgot what it's call. Premonition? I think that's what it's called. I mean, just take a look at me now. There's so many things that i lack from her other suitors. I always have this thinking that i'm in this (to actually know her) dream. I'm don't know when the bubble gonna burst but if indeed one day i were to wake up from it, i hope by that time it won't turn into a nightmare. This can't be real. She won't actually wanna be with someone like me. It's impossible. I must be living in dream land. Somebody wake me up before i get hurt. Please.

Had a chat with T -

alternate pink nails says:
eh but serious eh.. fr my point of view.. she is juz stringin u along 4 the sake of ahving someone who is willing to do stuff for her.. while she seeks her own excitement and desires in those guys or guy dat ure tokin abt

Pretence will only sink you deeper, sometimes so deep that you can't even see the light anymore. says:
wat do u think i shld do?
Pretence will only sink you deeper, sometimes so deep that you can't even see the light anymore. says:
ive gone wy too deep for her
Pretence will only sink you deeper, sometimes so deep that you can't even see the light anymore. says:
its hard to make a u-turn

alternate pink nails says:
i undstd

Pretence will only sink you deeper, sometimes so deep that you can't even see the light anymore. says:
wat shld i do ah?
Pretence will only sink you deeper, sometimes so deep that you can't even see the light anymore. says:
help me laaaaaaaaa

alternate pink nails says:
but as hard as dat sounds.. uve got to go it.. ders no other way

Pretence will only sink you deeper, sometimes so deep that you can't even see the light anymore. says:
but do wat?

alternate pink nails says:
i duno much lah.. but i wld love to hear more fr u ah.. but fr wat i noe now it seems like she is juz not in love wif u cos dats not how love is.. and the more u do 4 her, the more she takes u 4 granted and dats why she feels dat its ok for her to go for other guys

alternate pink nails says:
the harsh truth is dat she doenst deserve u lah

Pretence will only sink you deeper, sometimes so deep that you can't even see the light anymore. says:
u noe wat
Pretence will only sink you deeper, sometimes so deep that you can't even see the light anymore. says:
ur e 2nd person to say dat

alternate pink nails says:
pls juz leave b4 u go in too much and all... its even harder den
alternate pink nails says:
well.. its the truth...
alternate pink nails says:
fr wat i read.. im sory but ive got to label her a bitch

Pretence will only sink you deeper, sometimes so deep that you can't even see the light anymore. says:
dats so hard to do
Pretence will only sink you deeper, sometimes so deep that you can't even see the light anymore. says:
leave

alternate pink nails says:
so insensitive
alternate pink nails says:
i noe i noe
alternate pink nails says:
but uve got to do it
alternate pink nails says:
serious
alternate pink nails says:
it sounds pretty bad at this moment oredi

Pretence will only sink you deeper, sometimes so deep that you can't even see the light anymore. says:
i really don noe.im so confused rite now

alternate pink nails says:
and wen i read ur willingness to do so many things for her all it breaks my heart seh.. she so doenst deserve it all
alternate pink nails says:
cant u see dat its like rain falling on sand? u keep on giving but u wont get anytin back in return.. u wont even see it
alternate pink nails says:
to u.. ure giving it ur all.. but to her she is juz taking it in and keeping it all inside.. while she enjoys herself in other means
alternate pink nails says:
u juz met the wrong girl dats all
alternate pink nails says:
remember the saying dat u wont noe who is right for u until u meet a lot of wrong ones before that... even tho the wrong ones may seem like the right one... but wen u meet the right one.. ull noe.. ur frens will noe.. ur family will noe...

This must be the most difficult period in my life. I can't seem to know what to do now. I'm brain-dead (i wish!). "Somebody saveeeee me, i don't care how you do it, but saveeee meeeeeeeeeee..(To the tunes of Smallville theme)

PS. "Pretence will only sink you deeper, sometimes so deep that you can't even see the light anymore. That is when you know you have lost what you had before. "

Mister Turtle urge you to join the mutant war!!!
3:34 PM

I've caught someone reading my blog. To this someone who i see has totally no need to know my personal life, f*ck off. You know who you are. Doesn't matter if i know you or whether we have family blood (Get the hint!), don't intrude in my life. Don't you know a thing called confidentiality? So go on, don't make me piss, scram. You won't like me when i'm enraged. Mind your own business just like i've mind your's.

Mister Turtle urge you to join the mutant war!!!
2:24 AM

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

I couldn't get to sleep yesterday night. I kept pondering why do we have feelings? Rhetorical it might sound but did curiosity actually killed the cat? But then again, why is the poor little cat have to be sacrifice? Why didn't they just kill the dogs? Or the birds? Ohh sheeeesh. This is getting no where.

But seriously, why do we fall in love? Isit 'bcos we feel secured being with someone? Or isit 'bcos that would make it seemed easier to reproduce human kind with a partner? Or isit just unexplainable? Some sort so mystified? Or perhaps i'm just too sleepy and am talking crap. Gee, i think i am. Damn.

PS. Am listening to Josh Groban's To Where You Are right now. Nice and smoothing to the ears but also an alternative to make me fall asleep. Hey no offence Josh. Khehehe..Enjoy.

Mister Turtle urge you to join the mutant war!!!
8:14 AM

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Sitting here so early in the morning, I just couldn't get back to sleep. First thing first, i'm glad that i'm recovering well from the fever that had struck me the last 2 days. It's bad man. I can't do anything but to only sleep.

I don't know why but i got this feeling, that she might not think of me as someone important in her life. She keep talking about this guy and that guy. So many guys to talk about. Not that i'm feeling jealous or what (or maybe i do), but i just think that there's a limit to everything. I mean, there's surely other better topics to talk to rather then what you did, talk about, share a joke or two with him. Come on, spare me all that. I seriously don't need to know. It's ok to open up and i appreciate that but i don't know, i guess i shall try to keep an open mind about it.

I wanna stop whining about my current state of life. Been watching Channel NewsAsia all this while and my heart goes out to the Tsunami victims. People around the world have gone through the worst and here i am idling my life away. I wish, on my part i could do something to help out to make the victims feel better. Anything. I'm willing to go to Aceh, Phuket, Penang or India. Just as long i could do something meaningful in my life. Now is really a good time for me to get away. Come on now.


Mr Big - To Be With You

Hold on little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad

When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
Wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you

Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
And I can make you start to smile
Just to be the next to be with you

Mister Turtle urge you to join the mutant war!!!
8:45 AM

Sunday, January 02, 2005

I guess it right. In the 3 weeks she wasn't here, she actually gotten close with that TZM guy (someone please define 'close'). Somehow i really felt so dissapointed. I don't know how to explain it but there's a tinge of jealousy in me right now. Add anger to that. Of all the time i was suffering non-stop and can't stop thinking about her, she..haizzzzz...i can't continue. It just hurt too much.

Gosh. I really hope that she doesn't take "us" as a game. Hope she won't lead me on. The pain is too unbearable to go through all over again. Period.

And so i rushed all the way back from JB, nearly got knocked down by 2 bloody malaysian cars to hear her talk non-stop about him, or 'the monkey'. WTF. I just kept quiet during the conversation. Wonder if she realised i was so pissed. But i simmer down, kept telling myself, that's her own life. She got the right to do so. I shldn't be so sensitive, egoistic, care only about myself and etc. And i guess, it work. I'm no longer mad at her or at whatever that had happened. In fact i have already take it within my own stride. Well, things happen for a reason right?

PS. She refered me as "Si Cina". A name i hate people calling me. You've been warned.

Mister Turtle urge you to join the mutant war!!!
4:48 AM

Saturday, January 01, 2005

The countdown yesterday started abit slow. Chill with her first at Holland V before meeting up with the guys. We went to BFD at East Coast. Was quite nice the place over there. Managed to dance to tunes of Abba, Elvis and the Supremes. Superb! Then went to Hendrix, gosh was it happening in there. Enjoyed myself but could have been much better if we were to planned out beforehand.

So 2004 has passed us by. Main events that have happened in my life for the past year.

- Passed my bike license, able to get a bike thanks to mummy.

- Class 3 probation finally over.

- Got to know new friends: Taibah, Firda, Mazliana, Nadya, Aidah, Nurul, Yana, Nana, Emy, Aini, Shuijah and Yarni.

- Got back in contacts with old friends: Ain, Aini, Seri, Aniah, Azfa, Faizah, Lisha.

- And of course lost some friends along the way.

- Finally graduated from NYP.

- Send in applications to Police, Fire-fighter and Paramedic.

- Finally gotten over Hajjar and Raja for good.

- Few arguments now and then with my cousin, but all is well now.

- Mummy giving green light to have someone special by my side.

- KL trip.

- Umrah.

- Moving to a new house with much bigger room for myself. The main master bedroom to be exact. (i got 2 master)

- And the most significant events of all in 2004 is meeting her, being with her, losing her, and finding her again. In another term, i've found someone i truly love.

I really hope 2005 will hold much more significance for both me and her.

I've come to realise something. All this while, i've always work hard (that's what i always think, but i was wrong) to make her feel something for me. To hear her say "i love you" to me. But now, all i want to do is to make her feel better. Had a nice talk with her just now, and found out that something is actually bothering her. I want her to know that my existance in her life is to convince her that even if she don't ever fall in love with me, i will always be there for her whenever she needs me. Maybe it's the new year ushered in but now i'm starting to think for myself and other people. Starting not to be selfish and to think about other people's feelings. I guess this is just another process of growing up. And i only have her to thank to. Clearly i'm not what i am without her. I'm lost for words whenever i think how she had made a huge impact in my life eventhough the time knowing each other isn't that long. She is someone so special in my life that i reckon i have to work double as hard this year compared to the last. Ohh well, i'm more than happy to do so.

Mister Turtle urge you to join the mutant war!!!
11:57 PM